Knock It Off, Netflix!
I've had Netflix on my game console and computer for a bit over a year now, and for the most part, I've been happy with it. I spend a lot of my time at school and the ability to stream TV shows and movies when I have a bit of a break is very convenient. If I had to complain about one thing though, the collection of movies leaves something to be desired. I mean, they have Hot Tub Time Machine just a couple of weeks after its theater debut, but when I want to see the first Iron Man, and not the countless cartoon versions of it, too bad. Netflix biggest offense is its large amount of B-movie knock offs, or mockbusters, most of which is produced by The Asylum. Scary name for a scary company.
Just to educate you, The Asylum is an American film studio and distributor who is known for producing direct-to-video knock offs of major motion pictures. They also take pride in the fact they haven't lost money on a movie ever, which isn't hard to do when your budget is below one million and you make it back in three months. I find them highly annoying for three reasons.
- They do it quickly. To get an idea, they shot and produced American Warships (American Battleships before they were sued and had to change) on May 15th, three days before Battleships. On average, they can shit out movies, from decision to create title to final product, in 4 months.
- Their knockoffs are so blatantly obvious, it is sickening. You'll see a lot of this in the list, but to give you an idea, one of the Dis-Honorable Mentions for this list was I am Omega, which is a rip off of both Omega Man and I am Legend and robs plot details from both movies.
- The quality is shit. I mean, I can't stress this enough. It is 2012, they are ripping off huge movies, and the video and audio quality looks like 70's porn. Furthermore, they have a tough time finding actors for their movies. In The Almighty Thor, a recent knockoff of Thor, most of the deaths happen off screen, where Loki points his stick at somebody off camera, who makes a "ARRRGGHH" sound, then presumably dies.
And Netflix must have some deal with them as pretty much all of their movies is available for instant watch. So yeah, the title of this blog is a bit misleading, but the pun was too good to avoid. So without further adieu, I give you the Top 5 worse The Asylum knockoffs available on Netflix. No particular order, except maybe hilarity.
5. The Da Vinci Treasure
Not To Be Confused With: The Da Vinci Code
Plot: Some forensic anthropologist inadvertently discovers subtle clues in Leonardo Da Vinci's works that will lead the finder to "enlightenment". As he pieces this puzzle together, it becomes obvious that other treasure hunters are after the treasure as well.
Opinion: If The Da Vinci Code and National Treasure were related and they fucked, this would be their 91 minute long, inbred, off-spring. Containing only 15~ speaking parts, including the one line guys, even die hard B movie fans won't be able to stand this one.
4. Sherlock Holmes (2010 movie)
Not To Be Confused With: Sherlock Holmes (2009 movie)
Plot: Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on the case again when reports of monsters, both mythological and historical, are attacking London. Their case leads them to a mad scientist, who created and can control said monsters for some, ultimate reason.
Opinion: First of all, yes, that is indeed a dragon, a T-Rex, and a giant squid attacking London. I'll give that a second to soak in. While I have to give props for the creative thinking of having Sherlock Holmes fight these monsters, with a film budget of 600,000, I promise you you don't want to watch it. And as for the plot, it takes so many twists and turns that I gave up trying to watch it. Spoiler alert: the scientist is Sherlock's brother.
3. The Day the Earth Stopped
Not To Be Confused With: The Day the Earth Stood Still
Plot: 666 robots land and invade Earth. Two humanoid aliens are captured by the military, where they reveal that the only way the robots won't destroy the Earth is if the humans prove their is still faith in humanity. Keep them away from Facebook.
Opinion: Bad visuals comes to play yet again. What is worse is the horrible horrible horrible acting. Similar to The Almighty Thor, they must of had a tough time finding extras. When the giant robots land in the streets, nobody is panicking or comes outside to see what is up, except the handful of main characters of course. And to add insult to this, they released this 3 days before the Keanu Reeve's The Day the Earth Stood Still.
Not To Be Confused With: Transformers
Plot: Aliens piloting robots have invaded Earth and forced all of human kind underground by creating an endless night and rain. It isn't until 300 years later that the humans rebel and find out their invaders are actually robots.
Opinion: Not much to say that hasn't already been said. Awful acting. A really really small amount of actors. Horrible effects and visuals. I actually misread this as Transformers and got a shameful amount of time into it before finding out I've been misled.
1. Snakes on a Train
Not To Be Confused With: Snakes on a Plane
Plot: A woman has been put under a Mayan curse that causes snakes to hatch inside her stomach and eat their way out. Brujo is trying to take her by train to a Mayan shaman in Los Angeles, keeping all the snakes that eat their way out in jars so the shaman can piece her back together. Bandits attack them, the snake get loose and attack all of the passengers. Later the woman turns into a giant snake and eats the entire train. 6 passengers escape and one of them uses magic to make the giant snake-woman disappear. That is actually the entire movie. Now you don't have to see Snakes on a Train.
Opinion: Snakes on a Plane wasn't really a good movie, but a cult classic. You had to see it just because it was so unique, quirky, and off the wall. You definitely wouldn't see Snakes on a Train. Besides the obvious problems you can expect, the movie poster is misleading. You probably can't read it, but it says, and I quote, "100 Trapped Passengers-3,000 Venomous Vipers." In reality, there is only a dozen passengers and a couple of snakes actually shown on film. All in all, the most hilarious and awful knockoff on Netflix.
I could of went on and on about these movies. So here are some that either aren't on Netflix or I just didn't talk about.
Pirates of Treasure Island-Warning: Jack Sparrow is French.
War of the Worlds II-the sequel to the Tom Cruise movie they didn't make
Chop Kick Panda
30,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Sunday School Musical-nothing can douche up the Disney rip off like a Christian version of it
The Amityville Haunting
18 Year Old Virgin